After all

It's probably been like a whole month already since the last time I've seen a check mark. Those green symbols give me comfort on the cloudiest days. I need to hear the door open again. I need to hear the footsteps. I'm sick of hearing the footsteps of the past. They fool me and now I am the fool. This is not "killing" me as it used to, but I seriously don't want the time that I invested into this one situation, to go to a waste. I don't want to make the object in this situation to go down the drain. I don't want to act like it never happened. I abandon and isolated every other frequent visitor, for a visitor that rarely walks through that door. Every now and then I can hear the ghosts whispering to call it quits. But do I ever listen to them? Noooo! And I don't want to or ever plan to. Unless you call taking breaks and sleeping just to go back and wait even longer, listening to them, then I do not do that. So, I just confused myself. I do take breaks and sleep. But I always come back.

Feuled with hope

Or feuled by hope... I'm not sure. But the point of the matter is, I am hopeful again. I just did a typical survey I found floating on the myspace bulletins. It was about my "number 1" That person is Travis. And while I took it, I gradually gained faith and hope that this can work. I'm going to keep waiting until he comes around. Ohhh I love him so much!

A MIRACLE!

TRAVIS IS ONLINE AND WE'RE TALKING. I asked him how long he would stay online. He said for a while, and that he's been busy and stuff, but he'll be online more often now. I think it's more than that though. I think something was wrong. But anyway! Time to talk to Travis and glue aluminum foil on cardboard (I'm making a new art project!)

I hate to say this,

but I think I'm screwed. The last time Travis and I talked was seven days ago. A WHOLE WEEK. I can't help but wonder what he's doing. But then I try not to think about it. I sent him a couple offline IMs last Friday. He IMed me back today when I wasn't online because the computer was being used by my dad. He sounded either annoyed, bored, and not interested in talking with me. And I can also sense an egotistical attitude toward me along with some anger. Or maybe he's sad...? I don't know. I don't know what goes on in his life anymore. [Sigh] I mean, I never really knew exactly what went on in his life, but I feel as if I don't know him anymore. It used to be more. Now I can say it feels like he cut me out of his life. I want to know him. I miss him.

The last time I told him I love him was Sunday, June 29. Like I said in my last blog entry, I'm "not allowed" to love him because he has a girlfriend. I like his girlfriend. She's really nice and open minded. I miss her too. I can't believe that statement, but I can at the same time. But yeah, this makes me so frustrated. How can I not love him? You cannot force someone to stop loving someone. And if you try to do that, then girl! You MUST be a pretty shallow person.

The only good thing about this situation is that I won't have to bite my tongue as much, to resist myself from telling him those three words (I love you). And you would think that I would get off the computer to get my mind off of this, and I hope and wish that that were that case, but I'm on the computer like a dog chasing its tail. It's ridiculous. I'm ruining myself. I'm frying by brain. I'm blinding myself. He's killing me here. Then I fear that I might not care later on. But then I'll care again while I think about all the good e-times we had. I feel really lame saying that. Especially because it's over someone from the Internet. But it's so true and it's not the first time.

Maybe I'm just a really lonely person. I bet one day I'm going to end up alone behind a dumpster sitting in the corner with no one to talk to. I feel that I've already reached that point, except I still have a home.