I hate to say this,

but I think I'm screwed. The last time Travis and I talked was seven days ago. A WHOLE WEEK. I can't help but wonder what he's doing. But then I try not to think about it. I sent him a couple offline IMs last Friday. He IMed me back today when I wasn't online because the computer was being used by my dad. He sounded either annoyed, bored, and not interested in talking with me. And I can also sense an egotistical attitude toward me along with some anger. Or maybe he's sad...? I don't know. I don't know what goes on in his life anymore. [Sigh] I mean, I never really knew exactly what went on in his life, but I feel as if I don't know him anymore. It used to be more. Now I can say it feels like he cut me out of his life. I want to know him. I miss him.

The last time I told him I love him was Sunday, June 29. Like I said in my last blog entry, I'm "not allowed" to love him because he has a girlfriend. I like his girlfriend. She's really nice and open minded. I miss her too. I can't believe that statement, but I can at the same time. But yeah, this makes me so frustrated. How can I not love him? You cannot force someone to stop loving someone. And if you try to do that, then girl! You MUST be a pretty shallow person.

The only good thing about this situation is that I won't have to bite my tongue as much, to resist myself from telling him those three words (I love you). And you would think that I would get off the computer to get my mind off of this, and I hope and wish that that were that case, but I'm on the computer like a dog chasing its tail. It's ridiculous. I'm ruining myself. I'm frying by brain. I'm blinding myself. He's killing me here. Then I fear that I might not care later on. But then I'll care again while I think about all the good e-times we had. I feel really lame saying that. Especially because it's over someone from the Internet. But it's so true and it's not the first time.

Maybe I'm just a really lonely person. I bet one day I'm going to end up alone behind a dumpster sitting in the corner with no one to talk to. I feel that I've already reached that point, except I still have a home.