It rips me apart

Went to bed at 1:20 and actually feel asleep at 2 something. Woke up at 8:40. And during the time I was trying to fall asleep I just kept thinking. I want to say it so badly. But I'm not allowed. I'm not even allowed to think, I don't think. Actually, I'm not allowed to do a lot of things, let alone hang out with my friends outside of school. I mean honestly I don't effing care about hanging out with friends anymore, outside of school. Hanging out with friends outside of school is the LEAST of my concerns. It just sucks that I'm not allowed to try to make someone that I love, happy.

Just the thought of the happiness outside of this room brings me to tears. I feel like I wasted my whole summer. The beginning was amazing though. The thought that the feeling isn't there anymore, is becoming a reality and it's scaring me. The images the pop in my head is like the way suicide affects the people around. Well, not that extreme, but you get my idea. It hurts. I angers me.

This song explains how I feel:

Have you ever felt alone?
As the night closes in around you.
You keep yourself busy.
Trying to forget the sound of silence.
She’s all alone. On this, the darkest of nights.
She’s on her own, but somehow she’ll make it through alright.
Time passes slowly. Oh so slowly.
A storm looms overhead.
And all you keep thinking,
Is how you wish somebody was here beside you. Beside you!
She’s all alone. On this, the darkest of nights.
She’s on her own, but somehow she’ll make it through alright.
Alright!
She’s all alone. On this, the darkest of nights.
She’s on her own, but somehow she’ll make it through alright.