Am I really that clueless?

Am I really that clueless that wherever I go, I don't know what I'm supposed to do; I never know the plan. I don't know what purpose I serve. Am I really that clueless that I get myself lost by using my eyes rather than my ears and mind. And then I have to waste everyone's time by having my name broadcasted through speakers just to find myself. I embarrass myself and I am the cause of my problems. I've always known it, but it kind of just hit me today. Why didn't it before? I feel useless because I am clueless. I don't pay attention. I feel stupid. I got almost everything I want. So that's good. But I feel depressed again because I'm hackin' clueless. Well, I'm more dissapointed rather than depressed. The crying that I'm doing now, it's confusing me. I guess I cry when I'm feeling blue.

I'm not used to being on my own. I was always forced to be beside my parents, holding their hands. I don't know when to let go. I just don't know HOW. I don't know how to be independent. I'm so scared of the world. I'm scared of the people. And whenever I go out, on my own (and sometimes with other people), I have butterflies in my stomach. I just pray that I don't mess up. But it doesn't really work. It's just a bunch of sentences running swiftly through my mind. And when I do make a mistake, I strike again some othertime.

Today just reminded me of how far away I am from my family. Then I got to thinking about my friends. They're not any different either. I don't know how to make things better. I don't know what more I can do to help someone, rather just being there. And even if I'm there, it feels worthless. I end up being a bore. As the weeks go by it just gets worse. Two steps forward, three steps back*. Exactly my case. I'm just drifting apart and then when I'm together with them for a long time, I get tired and bored. And eventually I don't care. And then when I'm alone and then one of my family members come up to me to invite me over to watch something with them or something, I get frustrated and even bitter. I feel bad about that now. I want to be with them but for some reason I find it difficult. I don't recognize them. They've faded to black and white. It's like I can't tell them apart anymore.

Anyway, moving on to a warmed place! I drew a portrait of Jimmy Robbins yesterday.
Here's the original:


Here's the one I drew:


I spent 5 hours on just drawing that, was attacked by a spider hanging from the ceiling, and eventually I got to scanning it. For some odd reason most portraits I draw tend to look asian, thinner, and longer. It's kind of a curse. But jeez. Five hours; That's the longest time I've ever spent on a drawing. It's a curse. I don't know anymore. It doesn't really look like him anymore. I was so happy and stuff this morning and then now I'm sad. I guess that's why I'm seeing it differently than I did before. But I'm still glad because that's the first drawing that actually looks like the person. And it's the first time I've ever drawn nice hands. Kudos to me? Anyway, I sent the picture to him this morning. He commented back! This is what he said:

"that's SO awesome! You're amazing :-)

I'm sorry to hear about the traumatic spider attack, I hope the recovery is a swift one! haha :-P

but really, thank you so much. I saved that, I hope you don't mind haha"

That was the highlight of my day. I'm sooo thrilled he commented back and that he actually saved it. He inspired me to continue drawing. But what inspired me to actually draw a portrait of him and to revive my drawing "career", was the online concert he did. It was my first concert ever, and I didn't even have to step foot out of this house. More musicians should do that. More like the acoustic guitar playing musicians because it's less of a hassle.

I tried to draw a Sherri from Eisley, but females are so pretty and much too much complicated to draw. It doesn't even look like her. I think I'm going to take a break. I'm super tired right now. So instead of drawing, I think I'm going to write a poem. Poetry is what I do during my breaks so yeah. It is relaxing. I mean, that's what a break is supposed to be... right?

Actually nevermind. I'm giong to draw. I don't feel sad anymore after writing this.

*"The End Has No End" by The Strokes