This is simply me.

I am very, very indecisive.
I've [probably] have had over 20 AIM screenames in my entire life. I am indecisive on names, really. I'm firm and quick upon making decisions about things in real life, like what clothes I want to wear, or what food I want to order at a restaurant.

I like learning new words.
I like learning because knowledge is infinite. I want to learn but have trouble memorizing things. I want to learn, but I can't ever force myself to do so. I want to practice and get better at lots of things, but I find myself at a loss of inspiration and motivation. Knowledge, it's something we all can obtain. Yet sometimes, it seems so far. And sometimes, it's flat out difficult for one's mind to wrap around an idea or concept. I think I am stupid.

I am insecure about myself.
I wish I wasn't so concerned with how I look. But it's something I can't help. I will not go out unless my bangs are pin straight. My hair is like dark coils with black webs on the bottom, closest to my neck. My back is like leopard skin. It's like there's a leopard skin print on my back because I have scars from acne. It's weird because I have scars, but I don't have any actual pimples that I can actually feel on my back. -Well, not that I'm aware of.

I want to truly believe and feel God with my all.
Every time I think I'm close, something gets in the way. I curse when I am furious. I steal, lie, and sin in many ways, but I don't think I really try to resist doing so. I haven't had Holy Communion yet. I am 15. I'm not sure if I want to because most everyone gets it at age 13. I feel to embarrassed. Should I call myself a Christian? I don't know.

I get what I want and I feel guilty.
I will sneak in your room and go through your stuff, if I know for a fact that you have candy. Today really learned that "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". I saw it in front of me today. My sister took out all my drawers, emptied them out on the floor and on my bed. I cried all day and then later she put the drawers back [but not the clothes] and said that she did that to teach me a lesson. As you can see, I will do anything to get what I want. That is just one reason why I feel guilty when I receive a gift from someone.

I don't like mainstream things.
This is mostly true for music. I tend to lose interest and "abandon" the thought of thinking about a band that I once like and discovered, after it grabs the attention of millions of other people. I've never been to a concert in my entire life, and I am not the only one. I don't complain a lot about that because I know there are bigger things in life.

I take more than I give.
I get more objects, things one can hold. I give my ears and mind. I give my opinion and ideas. I don't give things that cost money. I want to but I don't have money. I would give away my belongings, but I am too attached to them. I am selfish and sometimes I don't think I'm a good friend.

I don't have any close relationships.
I want to have a close relationship with someone. But first I need to accept myself for who I am. But even before that, I need to know who I really am. I need to find myself. When I think I've found myself, I always question if I really am what I think I am. So I take three steps back. This would have been better with "I am insecure with myself" but oh well. Nowadays I feel that my mom likes my sister more than I. I am not close to my family. I am always off to myself. I am reserved as I am in public. I don't talk to my family. I feel uncomfortable around them at times. Partly because I have nothing to say to them that they won't argue with. Plus, they never truly listen. In one ear, out the other. The only person on my family that I am remotely close to is my sister. That is why I don't like fighting with her. It jeopardizes our pact of trust and closeness. My dad is annoying and really dumb at times, but I love him. Same goes with my mom and sister. Except for my sister, she's just a smart alek. I am jealous of her and her knowledge.

I am not nearly original as I may present myself.
First reason, I am insecure. Secondly, I am envious of other people skills, though I admire and appreciate them for their talents. I steal lines and then reword them. I "plagiarize" basically. But not copyrighted things. So, I guess it's not plagiarizing, per se. I write poetry and my sister sometimes reads them. And when she does she says it sounds like stuff she's heard before. That puts me down because I feel that I am not original.

I am more outgoing on the Internet than in real life.
I have many ideas but I fear that I may be laughed at for them. That is why I don't participate in discussions, despite knowing that that's why a discussion is: Considering or examining ideas. So when this happens, I repeat what other people say. I'm getting better at putting myself "out there" and contributing ideas. But there's still one problem. I participate a lot in the beginning of the school year, but then as the year moves along, my words fade and I speak less.

I don't necessarily love my friends.
I want to tell them stuff, but I don't. I tell it in my writing. I have nothing to hide. I just don't want to tell them. A lot of the time I think they don't care. A lot of the time they act annoyed. So then I just stop talking to them. But how can I have a close relationship with anyone if I stop talking to them. I confuse myself. I feel it's safe to say that I am in fact socially retarded. I want a new group of friends. I want people that can actually grab my brain and make me look at things in a different way. People who can and will try to open my mind. I mean, I've never even been to Chipotle.

I cry oceans [almost] everyday, especially in the summer.
I cry about my appearance, my sinful actions, the things I cannot have, my stupidity, my originality with things that are really cliche, the fact that my parents have no money and my dad is looking for a second job to fall back on, mean people and the rotten things they say, other people, the fact that I long to love and have that one special person. The list goes on and I could be typing here the rest of the day about all these things but I'll end it here.

I am terrified of ants, spiders, etc.
I am less scared of ants than I am of spiders. They both are fun to kill. I actually kill them but I am still afraid of them. Killing them is my way of defense from all the things my mind leads me to believe that those little creatures can do. I will not go to sleep if I know and see that there is an insect of some sort lurking in my room or anywhere near my room. I will wait until every last one of them is found and dead.

Reflection.
Out of all the ideas that I have listed in this entry so far, the one that I've been thinking about a lot recently is close relationships. I want a boyfriend or a best friend. It doesn't need to be love as in "let's get married and have babies" but, rather having someone to hold 24/7. I am very touchy feely, yet I don’t like being touched because I feel uncomfortable. Once again, something that contradicts a lot of my beliefs and ways of life. People tell me all the time that I should get a pet like a dog. A furry companion of some sort. I would and I've always wanted one, but my mother is allergic. That is one reason why I really need to get out of this house.